Category Archives: Songs

Wrapping it Up: Final Visit Rap


The World’s Best Orthopedic Surgeon

The hardware from my knee
Was gonna have to come out
Cuz when I’d kneel on my knee
It’d made me want to shout
And scream out in pain
From which I try to refrain

I don’t like to complain
And be a pain in the drain
Because pain is not
The name of my game

So I told that to my doctor
Who is some kind of saint
Who always tells it like it is
And never like it ain’t

Watching Dr. Mazoue
Examining the X-Ray
He said I had a skinny knee
I’ll need a hardware-ectomy

So thank you, Dr. Mazoue
For driving in from far away
With scalpels
And pliers
To pull out nails and wires
Using pails and magnifiers
On sale from weird suppliers
And all things consistent
About which you’re insistent

I’ve got an awful lot of friends
Who’d pay a king’s ransom
For a doctor only half as good
And only half as handsome

I hope our paths will cross again
But I cannot say how, or why or when
I just hope to heck that it will not be
For a bone-ular glitch inside of me

But I digress…
My case I rest
I just gotta confess
That you are the best!

Note: The words “hardware-ectomy” and “bone-ular” are not real words. I assume full responsibility for any and all lexicographal repercussions resulting from their use.

Photo Credit: University Specialty Clinics, University of South Carolina School of Medicine.


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All’s Fair in Love and Splitsville


We bought our groceries at the Piggly Wiggly
And at home together we’d put them away.
We’d kiss and hug and get all giggly,
Never thinking at all we’d change one day.

We split the chores right down the middle
As fair and as right as rain could be.
But I’ve seen the light and I’ve solved the riddle
Of what went wrong with you and me.

All that sharing fifty-fifty
In the end drove us apart.
Now all we have left of what we had, dear,
Is the two equal halves of our own broken heart.

Splitsville is the place you’re heading
As your love goes down the drain
And I no longer think that a double sink
Will make it faster to drain the pain.

Give and take is a much better shake
Than cutting the pie in two:
Too late we know our big mistake
Was not saying, “I want more for you.”

Illustration Credit:

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If Ever I Had To…

Giant California Redwoods

If ever I had to come up with a man
To make my life happy and devise a plan
To make everything work as well as it could,
Turning all things “meh” into something good…

Who could be as steady as a rock if life got crazy,
Nudge me along if my perception got hazy,
Who could keep me from straying too far afield,
Who could float my boat and keep it evenly keeled…

Who could figure out a way to get it all done,
And fill every void with excitement and fun…
Then the one I’d come up with would surely be you,
Since there’s no one else like you, no one else would do!

Life’s too short to live without you, not that I ever could…
And far too long without someone who is so much better than good.
So I hope you’re as happy as I am that you have what you’ve got
Because I’ll be yours forever–whether you want me or not.

Photo Credit: Gloria Talcove-Woodward, The Talcove Fiction Faction,


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Retired Teacher Rap


A beautiful morning and it’s 8:03
I contemplate the peace with serenity.
Not one cranky student do I see
And not one late bell is haranguing me.

Chillin’ in my recliner called Boy La-Zee
I get online with a sense of glee
’Cuz there’s not one parent threatening me
And I’m living my life in harmony.

I control my time and even my space
There ain’t no kids yelling in my face
Administrators are a thing of the past
You know, hell forever just cannot last.

In the principal’s office I’d have to grovel
Now I feast my eyes on the latest novel
I no longer have a boss doing pop-in observations
Damned with faint praise and incriminations.

I used to grade papers long into the night,
And at weddings and funerals, every trip and every flight.
My life was never mine from August to June
Now I’m free as a bird and I’ve changed my tune.

It’s time to move on and wrap up this song
Cuz there’s a ton of fun thangs going on.
And now that I’m retired, I’ve discovered what’s true:
Not doing what you don’t like is the best thing to do!

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Woe is Me, I’ve Made a Royal Mistake!


Woe is me, I’ve made a royal mistake–
I saved all the crumbs but I threw out the cake!
For the rest of my life I’ll eat humble pie…
The best guy I lost is now my pie in the sky!

Who’d a thunk you could’ve broken my heart
When it was never even yours to break?
The sad thing is I played the biggest part—
Now don’t that just take the cake?

Just when I wasn’t even looking
You crawled in right under my skin.
I was your queen but you were never my king,
Until I woke up to the state I was in.

While I was too busy wasting your time,
You installed yourself in my mind.
Now that it’s too late for you to be mine,
No uninstall option am I able to find!

I’d string you along ‘til I’d had enough
Of your sweetness and your generous way.
I acted real tough ‘til you called my bluff—
Now I’ll never stop ruing that day!

Old too soon and smart too late
I’ve blown it again–but this is my fate.
I broke all the rules one by one
Never caring I did ‘til the breaking was done!

I would never have made the prediction
That the tables could ever have turned.
Now that you’re my full-blown addiction,
All the bridges behind me have burned.

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Song: The Metal Detectors

This is a true story—On Saturday, October 14, 2012, I met this couple on the beach at Hilton Head, South Carolina. They were so cute and happy together that I knew I had to write this poem, which really should be a song. I quickly got off the beach and parked myself in one of the rocking chairs on the big, shady porch of Coligny Plaza. I wrote the bare bones of the song out in shorthand (Gregg shorthand, not Pittman!) on the back of a dog-eared tax form that I hope I don’t need to turn in any time soon. On the way back home, I saw them again, flagged them down, and told them I’d be writing a song about them. I’m sure they didn’t believe me! So here it is:

A good distance between them they strolled
Along the surf through the waves as they rolled
A middle aged couple with metal detectors
Scanning the sand for gold.

The first one I passed was the woman
When I caught her eye, I said
“What’s the best thing you ever found scanning?”
“It’s that handsome guy up ahead.”

Then I caught up with her husband and
I asked the same of him to be fair.
He looked back and pointed behind him,
“It’s that beautiful lady back there.”

They showed me the treasure they’d dug up
A silver hair clip encrusted with jewels
Two wedding rings and a sinker, and
They even showed me their tools.

An open-frame bi-axial search coil
And the multi-featured combo stand
Increase your range and decrease your toil
And the pistol grip won’t hurt your hand.

I asked how they ever got started
Metal detecting for fun.
She said when she very first met him
His hobby had already begun.

He’d asked her out on a date in the woods–
There’s memorabilia out there to be found
Through the weeds and the thickets, there’re snakes, bugs and crickets
And Civil War relics abound.

She loved him so much she went looking
For the bullets and buttons he sought
But uncovering snakes gave her the shakes
But what saved her was this clever thought.

So to keep their passion together,
She suggested that they try the beach,
And that’s how they came to own
A metal detector each.

So if you’re looking for treasure
Think first who you’ve got at your side
You’ll see that you don’t have to dig far to find
The love that the sands of time can’t hide.


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Song: The Wish I Could Leave You Blues


“The Wish I Could Leave You Blues” came to me in a dream. The melody was beautiful and haunting, but like most brilliant insights gleaned from fevers or other hallucinatory states, it did not allow itself to be retrieved; luckily, I retained enough of the first stanza to recreate the lyrics, and then the rest of the song seemed to write iteslf.  Perhaps a beautiful and haunting melody will one day blow in on a magical wind and become snagged on the ragged edges of this song.

If you turn me loose, you will not find me.
Please don’t think I’ll come back around.
Just like a ship, I’m heading for the high seas,
Out of fear I’ll run aground.

If you turn around, I will vanish.
Like a puff of smoke, I’ll blow away.
The only thing that keeps me here though,
Is the reason why I cannot stay.

It’s my illusions that keep me longing
For the bliss we’ll never share.
It wastes my time and it’s not worth it,
And it’s not your fault that you don’t care.

You can’t hate a man who doesn’t love you
But still lets you share his bed–
But you can despise your own self
For not getting that through your head.

I tell myself lots of lies like
You’re not mean, you’re just tired.
As your friend I feel unemployed, and
As your lover, like I’ve been fired.

I dread the day I’ll finally get going
When I’ll find the strength to leave
But what stops me every time is knowing
That I’m the only one who will grieve.

Photo Credit: A beached boat | An old fishing boat at Heswall | Richard Cooper … 500 × 332


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