Category Archives: Raps

The Mother of All Bombs

 

I was going to write a poem
About The Mother of All Bombs
But the only words
I could find
That exactly matched
In rhyme and time
With “bombs”
Were psalms and palms.

A ridiculous poem this would definitely make
But, wait,
There are psalms hyping Armageddon in the wake
Of a war of many nations that are warring today
With its dangerous implications
It behooves me to say
That although I believe such claims to be fake
Make no mistake
This stuff makes me quake
And a little bit nervous
That all three branches of our military service
Are led by a loose-cannon Commander in Thief
A jerk who shirks responsibility
Tweeting state secrets with impunity
Filling top posts with dolts who cause division
Who only qualify because of nepotism
Where are the adults
To provide the supervision
Of his captains of war and industry
Whose conflicts of interests
Confer nobility
Upon the skeletons in his closet
Who are manning the helm
Using pushbutton hellfire
To kill and overwhelm.

He makes a point to anoint
Non-professionals
Leaving life and death decisions
To his generals
Who might be reading psalms
Or palms
Or the zodiac
To get new ideas
For a plan of attack,
Taking all too literally
The inevitability
Of a prophesy
Fomenting Armageddon
Via World War Three.

So he unleashed the rabid
Dogs of war
As gleeful as a kid
In a candy store
Too many Democrats
Now think he’s presidential
As he gets more recklessly detrimental
To safety of our planet.
Is it time yet to panic?
Each bomb he orders dropped from our planes
Is just to remind the world that we hold the reins.
“America First,” he shouts
Shaking his fist
How dare he call anyone a terrorist
When it’s our mushroom cloud
That hangs in sky
Courtesy of our future
Squandered by this crazy guy,
Who wishes us all
A really great, very happy Easter.
Oh, and God Bless…America First!

Illustration Credit: http://www.memorymuseum.net

 

 

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Filed under National Poetry Month, Poems, Political Commentary, Raps

Wrapping it Up: Final Visit Rap

imgres

The World’s Best Orthopedic Surgeon

The hardware from my knee
Was gonna have to come out
Cuz when I’d kneel on my knee
It’d made me want to shout
And scream out in pain
From which I try to refrain

I don’t like to complain
And be a pain in the drain
Because pain is not
The name of my game

So I told that to my doctor
Who is some kind of saint
Who always tells it like it is
And never like it ain’t

Watching Dr. Mazoue
Examining the X-Ray
He said I had a skinny knee
I’ll need a hardware-ectomy

So thank you, Dr. Mazoue
For driving in from far away
With scalpels
And pliers
To pull out nails and wires
Using pails and magnifiers
On sale from weird suppliers
And all things consistent
About which you’re insistent

I’ve got an awful lot of friends
Who’d pay a king’s ransom
For a doctor only half as good
And only half as handsome

I hope our paths will cross again
But I cannot say how, or why or when
I just hope to heck that it will not be
For a bone-ular glitch inside of me

But I digress…
My case I rest
I just gotta confess
That you are the best!

Note: The words “hardware-ectomy” and “bone-ular” are not real words. I assume full responsibility for any and all lexicographal repercussions resulting from their use.

Photo Credit: University Specialty Clinics, University of South Carolina School of Medicine.

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The Happy Graduation Rap

Flying Mortarboards

To you I wish a happy graduation
Which is a certifiable indication
That you have paid enough tuition
For your dreams to come to complete fruition.

Your diploma represents the successful culmination
Of countless years of sleepless determination
Punctuated by ennui, fatigue, and exasperation
Fueled by the promise of delayed compensation.

Your diploma attests to the official veracity
Of your heretofore unrewarded perspicacity.

A graduate degree is the necessary apparatus
To jack up the pay scale, thus improving your status.

Your boss now upon you will have to heap praise–
Just be sure to remind her to remember that raise!

Now they’ll have to pay you so much more
For the same old stuff you did before.

Like an expendable commodity you should no longer be treated
Your wise advice now must be deferentially heeded.

Now a Saturday morning will blissfully mean
That from a book no knowledge will you have to glean.

Now you’ll have time to make it up to your spouse
For the years s/he didn’t call you a chore-shirking louse.

Just think of the potential opportunity this poses–
Time to smell all the previously-unsmelled roses.

You can go to the beach, to the mountains, or a random movie,
And break the habit of eschewing all distractions deemed groovy.

So remember this day and enjoy the absence of strife–
Don’t forget to savor the flavor of your excellent life.

Photo Credit: http://assets.kaboose.com/media/00/00/14/6e/b4f3c6c8be84a941bbf4a204938a92c5ced335fe/476×357/600x450_476x357.jpg

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Retired Teacher Rap

crazy_trelawney

A beautiful morning and it’s 8:03
I contemplate the peace with serenity.
Not one cranky student do I see
And not one late bell is haranguing me.

Chillin’ in my recliner called Boy La-Zee
I get online with a sense of glee
’Cuz there’s not one parent threatening me
And I’m living my life in harmony.

I control my time and even my space
There ain’t no kids yelling in my face
Administrators are a thing of the past
You know, hell forever just cannot last.

In the principal’s office I’d have to grovel
Now I feast my eyes on the latest novel
I no longer have a boss doing pop-in observations
Damned with faint praise and incriminations.

I used to grade papers long into the night,
And at weddings and funerals, every trip and every flight.
My life was never mine from August to June
Now I’m free as a bird and I’ve changed my tune.

It’s time to move on and wrap up this song
Cuz there’s a ton of fun thangs going on.
And now that I’m retired, I’ve discovered what’s true:
Not doing what you don’t like is the best thing to do!

Photo Credit: http://www.mindposts.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/crazy_trelawney.jpg

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The Win-Win Merger and Acquisition Corporation Rap

monopoly-man

If you get
The urge to merge,
We will conduct a thorough inquisition,
To securitize your position,
To monetize your requisition,
And facilitate your acquisition.

Should you be the victim
Of a hostile takeover,
We’ll make you feel
Like an important stakeholder.

Hostile is as hostile does,
If things get hairy, we’ll clip the fuzz.
We’ll improve the terms and the cordiality
By breaking the bubble of confidentiality.

None of the blame
Will you have to shoulder
If your counterpart’s ardor
Goes from flaming to smolder.

A pain in your assets
This does not have to be
Because our management teams
Work “strategically.”

A significantly positive but abnormal return
Is what you might expect;
But for a higher fee you can avoid the burn
Of a Negative Wealth Effect.

If none of the above to you appeals,
We can offer consolidation or a few other deals.
We can liquidate your target into a shell,
While you cherry pick your assets—we’ll never tell!

We can spin off, spin out and even demerge,
Call us today—for a win-win splurge!

Photo Credit:

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